It was brought to my attention recently that the 27th of December, the day after Boxing Day is not in fact commonly known in the UK as “Kicking Day,” as I stated in a recent blog I wrote about Christmas.
It was also pointed out to me to that Christmas mince pies do not actually contain minced beef. I’m terribly sorry for my inattention to detail, especially since I’ve been offering beef gravy with mince pies for many years and (apparently fearing embarrassment from offending me), no British person has ever refused a dollop.
This got me thinking about other facts I may have got wrong this year in other blogs. I’d like to start the new year off fresh so I have gone through every posting I’ve done so far, and I’ve put together a list of apologies and corrections:
Apologies/Corrections for British readers:
- I apologise sincerely for my note earlier this year that incorrectly stated that the role of monarch of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has historically been determined via trial by combat. This mistaken belief was the cause of my erroneous (and apparently libelous) subsequent statement: “That old lady must be quite a tough bird to have killed off so many challengers with her bare hands over the years.” The ruler of these islands is in fact chosen through hereditary ascension and not through a physical battle to the death open to all challengers. Again, I apologise for implying that my adopted homeland relied on an anachronistic, medieval method for determining its Head of State.
- I also apologise to the cheesemongers of Great Britain for implying their country only has one type of cheese. Leicester, Red Leicster, Gloucester, Double Gloucester and Cheshire cheeses are not in fact “all bloody cheddar cheese but with a different name.” They are distinct cheeses in their own right. Very different from cheddar. Very much slightly different.
- Speaking of which, the word “Leicester,” as in “Leicester Square” is pronounced “Lester” and not “Lie-chester.” I’m sorry for getting it wrong and I have since deleted the article I wrote on how to correctly pronounce British place names. Another error in that same article had me mistakenly state that the Welsh word for ‘Wales’, is pronounced “SameplaceasEnglandbutwithaslightlydifferentaccent” I regret both mistakes.
- One or two Britons took umbrage with my implication that British people do not have emotions or feelings (in my post ‘A guide to Thanksgiving for British People.’) Apparently I have confused a deeply-held inability to express emotions with an inability to feel them. If any of the 63 million inhabitants of this country have feelings, and I have hurt them, again, I apologise.
Apologies/Corrections for American Readers:
- It was pointed out to me by several sharp-sighted NRA members that I had implied in a posting that America was less safe than Britain because of the high number of firearms in the USA. I have since been
threatenedconvinced by their threats and rantswell-reasoned arguments that more guns = more safety. America is clearly the world’s greatest and most-experienced country when it comes to gun massacres, particularly in schools, so I have to respect their expertise on such matters. As a result, I have started a petition at my daughter’s school to arm teachers and students, for their safety. I have recommended to the headteacher that the younger, nursery-year students start training with only semi-automatic rifles, leaving the fully automatic, military-grade hardware for the older students and teachers. Then we will all be much safer. Like in America.
- American football is not the “official sport of wife-beaters and mouth-breathers” and I acknowledge that no such official title actually exists or has ever been awarded.
- Apparently I often mix up the words “reform” and “destroy,” so let me take an opportunity to state that, contrary to previous statements I’ve made, it is in fact my belief that the Republican party is out to reform America.
- Another eagle-eyed American reader corrected me on my mistaken belief that health care is a right. Apparently it is not a right, it is a privilege. Sorry.
- Let me clarify an aspect of my posting on dodgeball: not all Americans are brain-damaged uber-violent maniacs. Please don’t hurt me for implying otherwise.
- Lastly, I should not have tried to explain the concept of a “chav” to Americans by showing a picture of former U.S. Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. I apologise to Ms Palin and to any chavs that were offended. I have deleted the post.
Other minor corrections:
- Dick Van Dyke is not the most-beloved person in British history, it is in fact Benny Hill.
- My wife has insisted that I withdraw my statement that our daughter is “creepy.”
- There are some British foods that are not brown.
- Canadians not in fact all evil bastards, some are quite nice.