I’m currently in Florida on holiday, visiting family. If you’re American, you’ll know all about Florida, and how it isn’t really like the rest of the USA. How the entire state is… special.
But for many international visitors, a trip to Florida may be their only experience of America. The state is the USA’s most popular tourist destination, thanks to its abundance of great beaches, warm weather and popular theme parks, such as Walt Disney World.
So if you’ve been to Florida on holiday, you may feel like you’ve been to America. But you haven’t – not really. Florida isn’t really typical of the country. It’s different. It’s special. Homer Simpson once referred to Florida as “America’s wang,” and he wasn’t referring just to the state’s shape (it dangles flaccidly from the rest of the continental USA). No, Florida is also America’s cultural wang.
Florida is like a distillation of every negative cliche of America, amplified to 11. Fat, ignorant people wearing impossibly unfashionable clothes, eating at chain restaurants, going to megachurches and shopping at Walmart. It doesn’t give the best impression of my home country, and it only gets worse when you pick up a newspaper or open up a news website because most of the really dumb, horrifying and ubelievable news stories that you read about America actually happen in Florida. Man seduced by a dolphin? That happened in Florida. Gun rights advocate shot by their own toddler? That would also be Florida. Remember George Zimmerman and his infamous killing of Trayvon Martin? Florida. September 11th coca cola Walmart display? So Florida. Presidential election recounts? Again, Florida.
But why is Florida so atypical, so strange? Is it the combination of southern rednecks and northern newcomers? The hot weather? Something about the slightly sulfurous water? No, the problem with Florida is that it’s where Florida Man lives.
Who is Florida Man? He’s that guy. The one in the news story.
Florida Man is a real person. Actually he’s lots of real people. He’s in the news all the time for his outrageous antics. He may look a little different each time you read about him, but trust me, he’s the same guy and he’s easy to recognise. Below, I have built a profile of Florida Man, based on real news stories. All of these headlines are recent and none have been altered or faked.
Who is Florida Man? Let’s start with the basics:
Florida Man is a caucasian man and he lives in Florida, where he has numerous adventures:
- White Florida man, 18, with Confederate flag and Trump stickers on his pickup truck, ‘waved a wrench and a baseball bat while making racist slurs in three separate road rage incidents’
- Florida Man Had Bizarre Plan to Tank Target Stock
- Florida Man Used His Putter to Fight Off an Alligator
- Florida man sends flowers to dog, not wife
Florida Man is politically conservative and claims to be Christian, but does things Jesus wouldn’t approve of:
- Florida man sets mosque on fire, lectures Muslims at his sentencing
- Florida man caught trying to steal $7 billion, blames Jesus
- Florida man yells ‘I voted for Trump’ at black Starbucks barista
Florida man has tattoos. Florida Man wears a baseball cap. Florida Man drives a pickup truck.
- Florida Man Gets Donald Trump Tattoo
- Florida dad lets 4-year-old tattoo a strawberry on his arm
- Florida man driving home from strip club falls out of truck and runs himself over
- Florida man arrested after he drove his pickup truck through a woman’s yard because of bad online review
Florida Man shops at Walmart:
- Florida man, 83, beats car salesman with golf club after winning $5 Walmart giftcard
- Florida man suspected of fatally shooting Wal-Mart shoplifter
Florida Man carries a gun:
- Florida Man Holding Machete And Gun Shot By Deputies
- Florida man pulled shotgun on mother and children on Veterans Expressway
- Florida man tries to take selfie with gun, shoots bathroom
- Florida man accused of firing AR-15 at cows on Florida Turnpike, FHP says
Florida Man likes drinking and doing drugs, which makes Florida Man unpredictable:
- Florida man smokes crack after face burned by car fire, police say
- Mop-wearing Florida man looking for eggs ‘terrified entire family’
Florida Man doesn’t like it when you mess with his stuff, especially his food:
- Florida man shoots stepson in argument over chili dog, police say
- Florida man angry over a promotional mailer attacked a car salesman with a golf club after the salesman informed him that he would have to buy a car to win a prize
- Florida man punches drive-through employee over cold fries
- Florida man attacks woman for ‘not having dinner ready’
Florida Man likes to have sex – but isn’t picky about the particulars:
- Florida man accused of repeatedly having sex with family dog
- Florida man has sex in pool, chases and tries to hit kids
Florida Man will shoot his gun when he is angry:
- Florida man accused of shooting wife in the buttocks for refusing sex
- Florida man says he shot cat that pooped in his yard
- Florida Man Shoots at Teens Playing Pokemon Go Outside His House
Florida Man will sometimes shoot his gun accidentally, even when he is not angry:
- Florida man’s gun falls, then fires, injuring woman
- Florida man accidentally shoots himself, notices two days later
- Florida man accidentally shoots woman in the head, kills her during ‘freaky sex’ session at Tampa hotel: police
If Florida Man doesn’t have his gun when he is angry, he will use his pickup truck:
If Florida Man doesn’t have his gun or his pickup truck, he will use a dog, an alligator, or even poo:
- Florida man accused of throwing dog, ramming woman’s car because ‘she was pretty’
- Florida man arrested for reportedly tossing gator into Wendy’s
- Florida man accused of smearing feces on HOA president’s car
Florida Man don’t back down – he stands his ground:
- Florida Man Destroys Own Truck Shooting At Thief 18 Times
- Florida man cites ‘Stand Your Ground’ law after shooting unarmed ex-girlfriend in face at Denny’s
- Florida man accused of fatally stabbing another bar patron in brawl caught on video is claiming self-defense under state’s Stand Your Ground law
Florida Man doesn’t like cats. He will stand his ground against any cat:
- Florida man shot cat that “looked at him like he owned the place”
- Florida man says he shot cat that pooped in his yard
- Florida man shot at neighbors during fight about stray cats
Florida Man doesn’t feel the need to be wearing lots of clothes:
- Florida Man Has Best Excuse Ever For Being Naked At Car Wash
- Underwear-clad Florida man runs through hotel pulling fire alarm
- Naked Florida man poops in public, escapes on bike
- Naked Florida man dumps elderly woman out of wheelchair
- Florida Man Threatens Cop with Screwdriver, Claims His Pants Ran Away on Their Own
Florida Man has got nothing to be ashamed of when he gets his picture on the news. It’s you who should be ashamed.